I, Hugh Mouse, hereby declare my candidacy for President of the United States. If elected, I will put cheese on every table and a mouse hole in every garage.I will declare war on specism. That's racism against the rodent species. I will declare martial law and arrest all cats. I will wipe Garfield comics from the face of the earth.
I, Hugh Mouse, presidential candidate for the Rodentary Party, aim to represent my human constituency and fight for soft toilet paper, unbruised bananas, and easy-open medicine lids. I stand for freedom of the parent. No child will be sold watermelon flavored bubblegum without express written consent of the person driving the car.
My platform is: Decency on Television. I will ask Congress to outlaw soap operas and reality shows. Furthermore, I will make it illegal to advertise laxatives during the dinner hour. And I will return the bleeps for four-letter words.
If elected president, I will make the consumption of Spam a felony, and I will mandate that all junk mail envelopes contain the following: "Warning: The Postmaster General has declared this envelope to be a sales pitch. Open at your own risk." I will outlaw junk flyers in newspapers. The funnies can stay.
If elected President of the United States, I will declare war on holiday profiteering. Halloween costumes won't be sold until October, Christmas trees until December, and Valentines until February. I will declare a moratorium on the introduction of any more wacky holidays like Aunt's Day, Uncle's Day, Pet's Day (except, of course, mice), Pancake Day, and World Smile Day.
Vote for me! Hugh Mouse! What have you got to lose? Have you seen any better presidential candidates lately?
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