LABELS

Part of a series of stories I wrote while living in Wisconsin in the 80s

I loved it when someone in the audience asked Burt Reynolds why he was wearing a green shirt that didn’t match his outfit and he answered, “It was my last clean shirt.” 

We are judged by our uniforms.  Put on a ski mask and you’re either a sportsman or a burglar.  Put on a wet suit, a cowboy hat, or a suit and tie, and you’re transformed into a role to play.  Put on a designer label and you’re saying, “I’m gullible and will pay anything for this label.”  I broke down and bought one once.  I still have the jeans, but that “Gloria Vanderbilt” label on my butt drives me crazy.  I’m giving free advertising to that company.  Don’t they know that their advertisement might be turning people away, depending on whose butt it’s on?

I guess I just don’t understand labels.  I have to look at the price tag to know if an item is an expensive brand or a cheap one.  Other shoppers just look at the label and automatically know the price.  Do they go to school for this or what?

Now that I’ve aired my insecurities, you can go ahead and label me “mixed up mouse.”  But don’t ask me to wear it!