AUTOCORRECT

I love my daughter’s text signature.  It’s “Sent from my super hip and groovy iPhone.” 

Her cell phone has the capability of filling in your words for you before you finish keying them in.  (Mine doesn’t, but then, mine only cost $100.)  Here’s how a recent text exchange went:

On Sat, Dec 20, 2014 at 7:04 PM, Susan Clark wrote:

Overdosed

On Dec 20, 2014, at 7:05 PM, Maggie Clark wrote:

Huh?!!!!!!!

On Sat, Dec 20, 2014 at 7:06 PM, Susan Clark wrote:

Autocorrect did something weird. I tried to say okeedokee.

Why don’t you scare the pants off your mom one time, Susan!!!?!!

SPECIAL PIGS

NO!  Not the pigs, too!  They’ve messed with chickens until their breasts drag the ground (and I’m not talking about little old ladies).  They’ve messed with tomatoes until nobody in this century knows what a tomato really tastes like.  But no!  The hallowed Eastern NC style barbeque is in danger.  No!  It just can’t happen!

Some innovative (and I’m sure very nice) guys in LaGrange have “built” a special pig  to deliver to Japan.  (News and Observer 12/14 front page)  Whew!  Thank goodness they’re shipping that pig wannabe out of the country.

I might be a redneck, but the photo in the N&O of someone eating barbeque with chopsticks is just wrong.  Wait a minute.  It’s sliced pork, not barbeque.

There is an upside to this story.  These guys are more humane to the pigs than the industry used to be.  I Just hope they don’t let those pigs out to breed with the locals.  Let’s keep the good old homegrown pigs rolling in the mud and inbreeding, please.

CHRISTMAS BIRTHDAY PARTY

Ah, Christmas!  I love the lights, the trees, the bows and bells and colors, the carols (especially Santa Baby!) – it’s all crazy-fun!  It’s a birthday bash, with presents and wine and laughter but no toast to the honoree who, by the way, is absent.  There’s just something wrong with this picture!

I emailed my kids.  Trying to be subtle as only a mom knows how to botch, I suggested that we all write emails to each other about what we’d like to celebrate at Christmas.  Hearing their “not again” in my mind, I added, “That way our Christmas day would be all fun” (I thought that was a nice touch) “and we could just have a prayer of thanks and go on celebrating.”  Not hiding my agenda very well, I added, “If we wanted to talk about something someone wrote, it would be OK but not necessary.”

Of course, no mother’s suggestion is authentic without a threat:  “Or I could prepare a sermon (LOL!  Just kidding!)  and you could yell “amen” and “Tell, it Preacher!”

UNDO, PLEASE

Maybe the problem began when I tried to paint something I didn’t want to paint.  Someone had asked for a rainy street scene, and the result was pitiful.  Being half-way frugal, I wasn’t going to waste the little 8x10 canvas.  Maybe that’s when the problem began.  I set out to turn it into a flower painting. 

There was a biker in the dismal street scene.  He was pretty dismal, too.  I commenced with the metamorphosis.  As this experiment developed into a flower, I took photographs – for posterity or something. 

Well, this was no cocoon and that was no butterfly.  The daggone picture went through ten changes before I finally quit, gave up or finished it.   I liked #7 the best.  Can I un-do?

I named it “Bike to Flower.” 

FIRST SCOOP OF PEANUT BUTTER

I love to take the first scoop out of a brand new jar of smooth peanut butter.  But some people get crazy.  I read this online today:  “I like to keep as much of that smooth surface as intact as possible, so I slice through a small section near the edge, creating an opening to the peanut butter below. Then, on subsequent peanut butter uses, I tunnel underneath the surface through that small opening, getting as much out before the top collapses.”   

Now this gal’s gotta get a life, for goodness sakes!

FLYING PAPER TOWELS

You know how there are some things that just float your boat?  Mine is getting the paper towels down.

I stack paper towel rolls vertically on the wire shelf above my washer and dryer.  It’s high, so I use a step stool.  Of course, I can’t reach it, so when I want to get one down I just take a yard stick and poke it up through the wire shelf into a paper towel roll and flip it down and catch it.

I guess you’d have to be there.