12/27/10

Handicap Retreat

My daughter Susan’s Junior High Sunday School class (which I teach) went on a “handicap retreat” last weekend. Each had to experience a handicap, the purpose being to better understand handicapped people.

I knew it was going to be good when I learned at registration that Janelle (our most talkative class member and perhaps the most talkative eighth grader in Green Lake) had to be mute.

Susan was blind for a day. But when Beth was trying to eat her grilled cheese sandwich with her arms tied down, Susan stole a quick peek in time to see her sliding her cheek across the plate in pursuit of the sandwich. Susan guessed that Beth hadn’t eaten many pancakes at breakfast!

Susan missed seeing Heidi fall out of her wheelchair. Apparently Janelle hit a rock while pushing her.

Some people had the handicap of being an “obnoxious normal.” One of them grabbed my blind Susan and pushed her into a pile of wet leaves. So Susan hit her with her cane. That’s my kid!

I’m sure I’ll get to hear all the rest of the wacky tales next Sunday. I don’t know if I want to hear much about the 10 x 10 bedroom with fifteen girls and hairspray so thick that “if you struck a match it would have blown up.” But I probably will.

12/24/10

POTATO PEELER

Weren’t there two potato peelers there before?  I know where I kept them.  And they weren’t there.  Heck, I only needed one.  I think I threw one of them out the other day, but there should be one lying in its intended place in that kitchen drawer!  I looked all over the kitchen and emptied the drawer twice.  No luck.

I do have a habit of throwing things away.  It makes me feel good.  Could I have thrown away the second one, not remembering that I had thrown away the first one?  Maybe it went into the trash can with a bunch of potato peels.  Whatever.

I bought a new one.  A pretty one with a white handle.  About a week later I opened that drawer and there, before my eyes, were two potato peelers lying side by side in the exact place where I keep them.  One new one and one old one.

They’re coming to take me away - hay hay …. hay hay ….

12/20/10

CHRISTMAS COOKIES

I hadn’t made cut-out Christmas cookies since my kids were little (in the last century).  I got out the old, yellowed Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook.  Half way into the job, the electric mixer started shooting sparks.  But I finished without the benefit of modern appliances.

Before you can cut out cookies, you have to let the dough chill.  Two days later I was ready to make cookies - but the dough had turned into a cement blob.

No prog.  The “pecan crisp” recipe looked easy and didn’t have to be chilled.  With my new mixer, I got to work.  They came out of the oven a little flat and definitely not “crisp.”  Maybe my flour wasn’t self-rising flour.  Who knows?

I needed cookies, and I had one foolproof recipe for ginger molasses cookies that I could count on.  It was getting late, so I quickly put it together.  Hmmm.  This dough was mighty liquid.  Never saw it that way before.  Oops.  The recipe just above this one called for three eggs.  This one called for one. 

Again, no prob.  I’ll just add a little flour.  Then another dab of molasses.  The first batch of cookies came out of the oven too dry.  Maybe they needed a little more butter, but I was out of butter.  Years ago, I made them with Crisco and they tasted fine.  Vegetable oil should work.  Oops.  Too much oil.  A little oatmeal should soak up that oil.  I added the rest of the molasses for good luck.  It was still oily, so I added a couple more cups of flour.  The cookies turned out a little tough, but tasted good.  Five dozen cookies later, I went to bed.

The next morning, I bit into a cookie and almost broke my teeth. I threw them all away.  It might be another century before I try baking cookies again!

12/18/10

PARTY TIME!

It was Saturday morning, and I had to prepare two dishes for the Christmas party.  I got out of bed and scanned bean salad recipes on the internet, then went to the grocery store.  Got home and spent a couple of hours making bean salad and pies.

I stopped to Google the address of the party, which I had written on my calendar right beside the note “Xmas party at Terry’s.” 

By the time the pies came out and I made the meringue, I was tired of cooking.  I popped them back into the oven to brown the meringue and set my cell phone alarm for nine minutes.  Fifteen minutes later I remembered the pies.  They were OK, but I wondered why my alarm didn’t go off.  Hadn’t I set it for 4:09 PM?  I checked.  Yep, even got the PM right.  I looked at the oven clock again. It was still 4:00.  Duh!  No, it was 400 degrees!

I stopped to check my calendar for the time of the party.  6:00.  I cleaned up the kitchen, happy that I had about an hour to do something I wanted to do besides cook

Then I remembered the party was SUNDAY, not Saturday!  I hope that meringue holds up until then!

12/9/10

THE HUSHPUPPY

"God is in the details, the completely unnecessary miracles sometimes tossed up as stars to guide us . . . . Look hard enough and you'll see them."  Barbara Kingsolver

I ordered barbeque, slaw, hold the puppies.  I love hushpuppies but was on a diet that week.  Eating them in moderation, for me, is out of the question. 

I waited quietly for my plate, determined to be satisfied with just barbeque and slaw, and reminding myself that I would be able to eat hushpuppies in the future.  Boy was I tickled when the waitress put my plate in front of me and there was one hushpuppy on it!  Who read my mind in that kitchen back there?

That hushpuppy was a delicious, guilt-free dessert!  Probably the best Christmas present of the season!

11/25/10

MARILYN & MOJO

Our daughter and her dog Marilyn are visiting us for a while.  Marilyn is a sweet overgrown puppy with enough energy to heat and cool our house, if we could only harness it.  When it's time to walk, she starts bouncing.  If you're not rushing to the door fast enough she grabs the leash in her mouth and tries to break through the door. 

Since Marilyn's entrance, Mojo the cat has holed up in our bedroom and won't come out. Fortunately, we have one of those "garden" tubs that is useless if you take showers, but is a perfect size for Mojo's litter box.  We have placed his scratching post beside our bed and relocated his food and water bowls. The chest of drawers has proved to be a perfect perch for a cat who wants to remain just out of reach of a bouncing collie/lab. I've moved my husband's things off.  Mojo's real comfy with his favorite blanket up there.

Now Thanksgiving day has come and gone.  Twenty people have used Mojo's bedroom as a coatroom and he hasn't liked it at all.  The last thing he said to me was a cat language obscenity that I'm glad I can't interpret. 

11/2/10

Ghostly Marshmellow

I decided at the last minute that I would dress up as a ghost.  So I looked around the house for something white and flowing.  Nothing.  Well, what did I expect anyway?  I did find some white window film left over from a previous Window Graphic we had done for a customer, so I used that.  But I looked more like a marshmallow than a ghost! 
People asked politely what I was, but one little boy didn't beat around the bush.  He said, "What are you supposed to be?" 
I almost said, "I'm supposed to be at home with a nice glass of wine!"

10/26/10

GOOD PAY IN GEORGIA

Story told by Pop about leaving home at age 15 to work in the shipyards in Brunswick, Georgia.

While I was still in high school, I started living in an old house that belonged to the state.  I stayed with Luther Glen.  He was a bachelor and he was a state dairyman.  The state gave me a hundred percent maintenance plus I think it was $25 a month or something like that - which was big money then.  And it was great to even have a job.

Things went to changing.  The war came on, and that put everything to moving.  The farm superintendent at the blind institution, Mr. Boone, lived next door to me.  One of his sons, Roy Boone, had gone to Brunswick, Georgia, to go to work with J. Jones Construction Company, which was building Liberty ships on the river there that came into Brunswick.  He came home one Christmas talking about the opportunities that were down there and how much money they were paying and all that.  He and his wife were going back after Christmas.

There was a big demand for people.  I was small, you know.  At that time I weighed about 118 or 120 pounds, real slim and trim.  And there was a big demand for welders working on ships because they had a tremendous amount of close places to get that bigger people just could not get.  And you had to have a whole lot of skill at the same time.

I didn't put any significance on being the assistant dairyman for the state.  So I asked him, I said, "I'll just go back down there with you."

He said, "You'd be a natural.  They've got a welding school down there."

I told him, "I don't know how to get down there or nothing."

He said, "You can go back with me."  He and his wife had an apartment down there.

So I went home and told Mamma just right off the bat from one day to the next that I was going to Brunswick, Georgia.  She had a pure damn conniption and said I wasn't going.  I said, "Well, I am going."

So I rode back down there with Roy.  In fact, I drove down there.  I drove the whole way.  That was part of the deal.  And the furthest I had ever been away from home was the distance I could ride on a bicycle.  Other than going to Wake Forest to visit my aunt and uncle.  And once I rode with my cousin's husband Jeff to Greensboro.

Lord, I thought I'd gone slam to the other side of the world.  Wrote Mamma a letter trying to remember all the towns we'd been through.  I thought it was something great.  There was umpteen of them or more, and I finally gave up on that part of it.

10/25/10

HALLOWEEN

I didn't think Halloween could get any better, but this year topped them all, thanks to my ten-year-old son Fred.  His main interest was getting the candy!  Lots of candy!  All the candy you can carry!

Fred began creating his costume about two months ago when he purchased two cans of spray paint for his hair.  On Halloween, my husband and I looked at his "normal" hair style and figured he really didn't need the paint.  His rat tail and his too-long flat top, held stiff as a board with mousse, would scare the pants off anyone. 

Five minutes before trick-or-treating time, Fred started on the rest of his costume.  He dug an old shirt out of his drawer, ripped it to shreds, put it on, grabbed a grocery bag, and headed for the car.  I offered to draw a jack-o-lantern on the bag.  "Mom!  No way!" was all the thanks I got.

I picked up his friend Eric, who began struggling to get into his headless horseman costume in the car.  I picked up Jamie, whose grass skirt wouldn't stay on.  Then I drove the punk rocker, the Hawaiian tourist, and the headless horseman into town, listening to their debate about which streets gave the most candy.  Do all the kids in town spend their year planning these strategies?

We drove past some bright jack-o-lanterns and I said, "Look at that!"  Fred and Jamie said, "Wow!" and Eric said, "Where?"  We passed a toddler dressed in a ballerina costume, and I said, "Isn't she adorable?" and Eric said, "Where? Where?"  We passed a familiar looking goblin and I asked, "Who's that?"  Eric's voice again, "Where? Where?"  I realized that Eric had finally gotten into his headless horseman costume and couldn't see a thing.

Later that night, after all the homes were stripped of candy and Fred's belly was full, I watched him sleeping and wondered at his ability to have so much fun after raking leaves, walking six miles for the Cancer Drive, and skateboarding all afternoon.  I guess there's always enough energy left for Halloween!

9/22/10

DON'T LEAVE MY HUSBAND!

Expecting the day to warm up, we left for the festival with a little less clothing than was comfortable.  We got off the shuttle bus and the temperature started to plunge.  Soon it was drizzling; then the bottom fell out.  We hunkered down and ate hot dogs under a tent, shivering and waiting for the next shuttle bus.

By now my husband George was turning into an icycle, so we went to the gift shop and bought a fleece jacket.  Back at the bus stop, our friend (also an icycle) said, "Where'd you get that jacket?"  George walked him to the gift shop.  Pretty soon, the bus showed up.  But George didn't. 

No worries.  The bus driver was real laid back.  He was cutting up and joking with everyone as we boarded the bus, and we were all having a good old time.  Still no George.  I stared out the window.  Just when I saw him coming, the driver closed the doors and took off.

I sprung out of my seat yelling, "Wait, wait!  You're leaving my husband!"  But we kept rolling as the driver continued joking around and didn't have a clue I was having a fit back there.  I lurched forward yelling, "Wait!  Wait!  My husband's coming!"  Everyone on the bus heard me except the driver.  I finally reached the front and he stopped the bus and asked, "Where is he?"

"Back there where you just left him," I said.  I bolted out and started yelling to George to hurry up.  When he got in, the driver, still laughing, asked him, "What are you doing?  You paid me $20 to lose her!"

But I got George back!

9/21/10

NOISY COMPUTER

I, the owner, have the oldest, most rickety computer in our business.  I brought it home a few months ago.  It was old then and it, like me, is creaking louder every day.  It's so loud that I can't use the speaker phone on my desk.   I work upstairs, and it's so loud that I can't hear my husband call me from downstairs.  It has a DVD drive that works when it wants to. Sort of like the cat. 

But now!  At long last!  I have a 'better" computer!  I haven't taken it out of the car yet.  What's the hurry?  The old humming computer still has some spunk left in her.

I also have a "better" desk for this better, younger computer.  Half of the desk is upstairs now.  The other parts are in the garage waiting for someone to get a burst of energy.

Sure, I'm excited about the better desk and computer.  But I kind of like my old humming, creaking, not-retired-yet friend.  It knows more stuff.  This young whipper-snapper needs a lot of information uploaded into it.

9/19/10

CATS DON'T ADAPT

Mojo doesn't like changes in his world.  We bought him a fine new crapper (litter box) with a swinging door so the litter would stay in and the cat could get out. 

For the first twelve hours or so, I figured he was just holding it in.  I told myself that he would have to go eventually.  Thinking the swinging door might have him spooked, I removed it but left the cover on the contraption.  Surely he wouldn't mind stepping through the large entrance to his throne.  After another twelve hours, I thought he might be constipated.  Then another twelve hours or so went by and I caught him going in the closet.

I took the lid off the crapper and am now sweeping up kitty litter again.  Mojo gets his way, once again!

9/16/10

COORDINATED

A friend said to me the other day, "You're always so coordinated."  I asked her if she meant my clothes or my feet.

We lived in Geneseo NY when Susan was a baby.  There's a lot of snow there.  I can't skate or ski, and I don't do well walking in snow, either.  Every day I had to walk to the car with Susan in my arms.  One day the inevitable happened.  I slipped and Susan went flying, landing face down in the snow.  Praise God she wasn't hurt, but her little face was covered with the icy stuff and she was not a happy camper!

I never fell with her again after that day, but whenever I slipped and almost fell, she grabbed me like a little monkey holding on for dear life!

9/15/10

ZIG ZIGLAR FOR PRODUCTION PROBLEMS?

Why am I reading Zig Ziglar's "Secrets of Closing the Sale" to learn about persuasion techniques?  Who's the boss here?  I'm the mom, the president, and the owner.  (Of course, it's really my husband and me, but he's on my side.  I think.)

We have set up our shop so that there is one corridor through it.  When an obstacle gets in that path, it separates production tables from materials, sawing room from tools, work stations from bathrooms, vehicle wrap area from the vinyl to wrap it, and (God forbid!) work areas from smoking spot!

Five weeks ago our new, expensive 54" printer was assembled and placed in that corridor.  My son doesn't want to move the printer to a safer place for a dozen legitimate reasons.  We're in a standoff.  Stay tuned for the rest of the story!

9/7/10

BUNCHING BEES

In the business world, you run into all kinds of obstacles. Our latest was honeybees. Jason installs vinyl outside, and the heat this summer has caused many difficulties. About the time the weather eased up, the bees came. They apparently got the notion that there was some nectar somewhere (vinyl nectar?) so they started looking for it in Jason's hair, clothing, toolbox, and on the vinyl he was installing.

Jason was at his wits' end. The insect repellents he had tried didn't repel honeybees, so he had resorted to squirting them with alcohol. (He uses that to install vinyl.) He worked a little, swatted a little, and squirted a little. He was as busy as a bee, so to speak. He looked at us forlornly and pleaded, "Can't you do something?"

We went to Lowes and looked at the flying insect killers, but there weren't any for bees. We figured that, since the insect repellent didn't repel bees, the insect killer probably wouldn't kill them. We decided on a bee trap, and it worked. Jason's happy - and productive - again!

George calls it "Bunching Bees." I never heard that term, but every day I find out how much I haven't heard of!

9/6/10

PEANUTS

I have always taken excellent care of my car - except for the peanuts. I was driving my twelve year old son Grumpy (aka Fred) to Florida. We were within three hours of our destination when I spied a roadside peanut stand. Fred wasn't too happy about it.

Back in the car, I got a hankering for those peanuts. I looked at Fred and he looked at me, and I said, "Your dad isn't here. Let's make a mess!" He grabbed the bag and we dug in. We started shelling, and throwing peanut hulls everywhere, including out the window.

We traded the car last week, and I think it still had some peanut hulls in it!

9/3/10

BATHING A CAT

I did not try this at home. You have to be out of your mind to attempt to bathe a grownup cat - unless you're that lady on TV who demonstrates all kinds of tortures on a cat that she has previously drugged.

My daughter told me that she would throw her two cats in and close the door and they would jump around to get wet and then she'd take them out and put soap on them and throw them back in, shut the shower door, and they would jump around to rinse.

My sister's story is, " I remember that Sam and Midnight could walk up the tub wall!! That is when I stopped bathing cats."

No thanks. Not for me!

If you've got some good cat tales, send them over and Hugh Mouse will include them in one of his stories! J

9/2/10

NEW CAR

“You made me love you – I didn’t go to do it! Didn’t go to do it!
You made me love you – and all the time you knew it. I guess you always knew it!”

I drove the car ten feet and fell in love. The salesman reluctantly let us give - er, trade - him our beloved twelve year old baby. (What's that in car years?) It looks and smells SO NEW! We park it where it can't get dings. We've had it 13 days now and I have only tried to get into a stranger's car three times so far.

However, it isn't easy being putrid green (I think it has another name at the dealership). But, as with marriages, there are some things you have to learn to love.

8/31/10

LOWE'S HOME IMPROVEMENTS

I looked around at Lowe's for a sales clerk and the lucky winner was a really nice guy who didn't roll his eyes when I told him my plan, didn't walk away presumably to find help, and didn't laugh when I asked if the things that hold PVC pipe together are called couplings.

I drew him a picture. He pulled out nine 10-foot long 3/4" PVC pipes. I told what length to cut each one. You've been in Lowe's. You know how they have state-of-the-art cutting tools for everything, whether you need a length of chain, a set of blinds, or a board. This guy pulled out a hacksaw and laid the pipe across the shopping cart. He was good. Must have done it a thousand times. Another employee peeped through the shelving from the next aisle over and asked what he was doing. "Working on this lady's project."

He was cutting the ninth and last PVC pipe when I said, "You know. We should have written the length on each one." He looked at me. I said, "I guess I should have thought of that earlier." He put every pipe back across the shopping cart, measured, and wrote the length on it. And he smiled. I wonder if his wife sees this side of him.

8/29/10

FIRST MUSIC LESSON


I decided that every child should memorize the books of the Bible in order. It's one of God's most important gifts to them, and most kids don't know what's in the package. So I wrote two songs using tunes children would know. The Old Testament is "Frosty the Snowman" and the New Testament is "London Bridge." I planned to teach them to the children at our church. Was I delusional? Every time I've tried to teach young children, it has been a disaster. Maybe this time it would be different.

I volunteered to do it. No one took me up on it. I volunteered again the next year. Again, no interest. I wonder if the Sunday School leaders had heard me sing. Then the next year, they bribed me. I could do it if I helped teach a class. The class had six children. None of them had ever heard of London Bridge! Or maybe they just wanted me to quit singing.

The next year, I sang my songs to the Sunday School teachers and they said to go for it. They suggested I go more slowly so the kids could understand the words.

My big day came. I stood before 40 kids who started talking as soon as they saw me. Another more skilled teacher got them to quiet down, and I proceeded with my schpeel about the Bible, and then the song. They loved it! Of course, I had prayed frantically all the way to church that morning!

8/28/10

ORDERING FROM THE PENNEY'S CATALOG

Back to school. Everybody's shopping. When Susan was going into sixth grade, she took the Penney's catalog to her room. When she reappeared, looking distressed, she was carrying the catalog, a pen, and the tear-out order form. She pointed to a description of a shirt and asked, "It says here, 'state color.' What if you don't want your state color?"

I've never in my life had such a hard time stifling a burst of laughter. Knowing how brutally I would hurt her if I let on that her innocent misinterpretation was the funniest thing I'd ever heard, I managed to explain the finer points of ordering from a catalog - while keeping my shaking voice under control.

8/27/10

LEARNING ABOUT COMPUTERS

When we started our business, I knew nothing about running a business. But I did know how to use a computer.

When our family got our first Apple computer in 1986, I thought I had met my Waterloo. A few months went by. My children used the computer. I procrastinated. After all, I had a typewriter. I found a gazillion excuses not to learn it. The instructions were confusing. The disk drive was too slow. The kids weren't at home during school hours to answer my questions. Finally I set aside a whole month to tackle the thing.

The computer and I were not on friendly terms. I kept thinking about the woman who got so mad that she attacked her computer with a butcher knife. I wasn't going to get mad at a machine. It was merely a tool and couldn't think - although my son insisted that it could at least think better than I could.

I did learn to use the contraption. It's now 2010 and I'm pretty good at it, but it hasn't stopped infuriating me. I keep thinking about that butcher knife!

8/17/10

CITY MOUSE AND COUNTRY MOUSE

Back in 1985 we moved from Raleigh to the tiny town of Green Lake, Wisconsin. It was like living in the 50s again. When we bought our house, the owner couldn't find the keys. Children were safe riding bikes on Main Street - except when the ducks were crossing! I could leave my car running while I zipped in to the Post Office, unless it was closed for lunch.

In Green Lake, neighbors looked out for each other. In Raleigh, we got together to organize Community Watch groups.

In a Raleigh movie theatre I didn't dare let my children go to the lobby for popcorn alone. In Green Lake - well, they didn't have a movie theatre - but I could drive them to the next town and drop them off.

In Raleigh my children went to dance lessons with one group of friends and Scouts with another. In Green Lake, everyone did everything together because there wasn't that much to do, anyway.

In Raleigh my daughter confessed that when the fifth grade teacher left the room, the kids break-danced on top of their desks. In Green Lake, let a kid get out of line and the parents knew it before the kid got home!

I wish everyone could have a Green Lake for just a little while. I'll be fair and tell you the other side of the coin in another story. But for now, as a great author once said, "We must let Uncle Wiggily and the Littletails and Nurse Jane sleep quietly. For tomorrow will be another day."

8/15/10

SNAKESKIN

I Samuel 16:23 And whenever the harmful spirit [another translation calls it the "tormenting" spirit] from God was upon Saul, David took the lyre and played it with his hand. So Saul was refreshed and was well, and the harmful spirit departed from him.

Snakes are part of God's plan. But to me, they are a bad part! In fact, I guess I'd call a snake a "harmful spirit."

I was in fifth grade. A friend had come home with me to play, and we were playing cowboys and Indians. (I liked that better than dolls. Or maybe it's a tie.) Anyhow, the cowboy was after me, and I found a hiding place in our garage. This garage had no doors and was under the house where snips and snails and puppy dog tails roamed. Tired and sweaty from running, I flung myself into a lawn chair that was down there. Panting, I leaned my head back, opened my eyes, and there, directly above my head, was a snake hanging from the ceiling rafter! You can imagine the pandemonium that took place after that.

Later, I got the nerve to tiptoe to the garage and peek around the corner. The snake was still there. He wasn't moving. I tiptoed closer, and soon I was close enough to see that it was a snake skin. You learn many lessons on the path of life, and that day I learned not to necessarily believe what appears to be true.

1 John 4:1 "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world."

8/14/10

EMAIL I ALMOST SENT

I emailed a friend today saying I hadn't gotten anything done, and she emailed back that she was glad I got a little rest time. Here was my reply:

Rest? I talked to an insurance man 1 hr, a church lady (very "chatty") 1/2 hour, worked with George on numbers 1 1/2 hour (which isn't easy), looked at all our charge accounts, filled out some paperwork, went to Cokesbury & BJs, & I'm tired and haven't gotten anything done! :(

Just wanted to complain and bitch and moan a bit! --- and just before I hit "send" I noticed that I was about to reply to our preacher's email instead of yours! Wow!

8/13/10

Today is August 13, 2010 (just to leave a record in these historic documents I'm writing) and it has been close to 100 degrees for a long, long time. Days. Weeks.

Our sign guys have been installing vinyl on vans, trailers, and ambulances throughout this hellacious weather. Vinyl seems to change to chewing gum in this heat. And people change to zombies. We don't have a garage. Just an asphalt parking lot and a couple of trees. (We didn't know that vehicle wraps were going to turn out to be our best seller when we rented this retail location.)

I went to the shop today to see how things were going. Now you tell me - what is the first thing you think when you see a box fan sitting in the back door of an air conditioned building blowing cool air out? I thought for a while, certain there was a good reason for this strange spectacle. There were a couple of dogs inside the shop. Maybe the guys were giving them a view of outside.

Pretty soon I went to the back again and the fan was off and the door was shut. Turns out they had been sawing wood (literally, not snoring) and blowing the smell out the door.

I guess their zombie brains hadn't turned to chewing gum after all!

8/12/10

I love Steven Slater! How many escape chutes have we all needed at some time or other! The guy didn't want to hurt the lady. (I don't think the word he used was "lady.") He just wanted to not do what he wanted to do to her! So he found a harmless way to explode.

I have mentally strangled people, thrown them out windows, and hit them with baseball bats. At times I have screamed at them and had to apologize. Even worse, sometimes I've boiled for years. And, without exception, I've re-done whatever it is I did a hundred times in my mind.

I wish I could say I had done something crazy, uninhibited, and just plain fun like Slater did, but I all I can think of is the time I stormed out of the house and walked around cursing to the neighborhood for an hour.

If any of my readers can remember something crazy you did, please email me. I'd really like to know there's more creativity out there in the world! -- And let me know if I can post it in this blog!
              
                            hughmouse@bellsouth.net


8/11/10

HE JUST TOOK DRUNK

Every now and then Tom Jones (I called him Uncle Tom) would take a notion that he wanted to drink something, and he was going to drink it if it hairlipped Hell.

I wasn't old enough to drive. Uncle Tom would have somebody else drive, and we'd stop at Bookie Poole's Service Station for Ruppert beer. He'd go in there and he'd tell the man, "I want six bottles of Ruppert beer." They had it on ice then. It was buried in icy water and it was really cold.

The first time it happened, the man behind the counter said, "Are you going to carry it with you?" He says, "No, I'm going to drink it right here." And he took the first bottle out of the box and popped the top on it and set it up on the counter. Uncle Tom drank that bottle of beer before the man could get the next bottle out of the box and take the top off of it and set it up there.

We'd go on down to the farm and do what we had to do - tend to the livestock, whatever was down there. And we'd head back. He wanted six more. He'd drink twelve beers in one afternoon. By the time he got home, he was lit. And just as soon as we drove in the yard and parked and the driver got out, Annie, his wife, she'd stick her head out the back door. She knew just as good what had happened. Uncle Tom would go out to the barn or somewhere.

"You devil!" she'd say to me. "You done took him off and got him drunk again, ain't you?" I'd say, "No, Aunt Annie, I ain't done nothing to him. He just took drunk somehow or another."

"I know damn well you did. You took him by Bookie's."  I'd say, "No, I didn't. I've been riding." She'd say, "Well, you'd better stay here until he goes to bed."

After I was grown and married and moved back to the area, Annie would call me sometimes to come up there and see if I couldn't do something with him.

He was an amazing man in this world. He went through the worst part of World War I. He told me some hair-rising things. He respected me tremendously, and I thought the world of all of them.

8/10/10

MAKING A NAME FOR YOURSELF


I watch my son Fred design the graphics to wrap a vehicle, then print the vinyl, then help put it on. If ink spatters, he reprints. If the installer gets it crooked, Fred reprints. A well done vehicle wrap is more than a customer's advertisement. There's a feeling of pride, a sort of ownership when Fred looks at the finished creation.


I remember when he was five years old and first establishing his place in this big old world, looking for something to be proud of and leave his name on.

Uh huh. He left his name real good. Fred and his little buddy Lodie found a can of spray paint and had a blast painting Lodie's brick house. When Lodie's dad called and told me what Fred had done, I wondered how he knew it was Fred. But of course, Fred had painted his NAME on the wall!

Yes, my son has been making a name for himself ever since!

8/9/10

COLLATING

I was allowed to do various jobs in my parent's newspaper office in the 60s. One of them was making pads of invoices, receipts, etc. The pages (several hundred of them) were printed on a manual press and cut on the monster guillotine cutter. I was forbidden to go near that machine. Not a problem!

Then the little pieces of printed paper were turned over to me. There should have been a note on top of the stack saying: "Warning! Do not attempt this job if you have heart problems." The job wasn't stressful. It was the mistakes! I had to collate those things. I'd put the white page #500 on top of the yellow page #500 on top of the pink page #500, then a set of 499s and a set of 498s and so on. It's bad to get half the stack wrong and have to un-collate and re-collate them! I learned right fast that an ounce of prevention is truly worth a pound of cure.
Sometimes I perforated them on a foot pedal machine that only punched maybe 15 to 20 sheets at a time. Then I got to help glue them. (I wasn't trusted with this job alone.) We stacked them on a platform and screwed down a heavy wood clamp then painted gobs of glue on one side of the stack. The next day, the glue was dry and we separated the pads. Voila!

Nowadays it's all automated.

8/8/10

MODERN VIEW OF GOD


Monday's headline was, "Pastor Sticks Up for Modern View of God." Sounded interesting, so I started reading. I don't think this man gives ordinary people much credit. He says ministers have a more nuanced understanding of the faith than their congregations. He says ministers speak in literal terms that are actually metaphors. They assume their "more sophisticated" members will understand this. Is he implying that most Christians are barbarians? (Well, I won't pursue that.) Anyway, he says it's a charade.

Baloney! Now you tell me - What does he think ministers understand that traditional Christians don't? He doesn't believe in a God on a sky throne. Hey - bulletin! Most people don't! He believes God is a "process of mysterious cosmic creativity that makes for greater love and justice…a force working within human beings and nature." Well, duh! The most literalistic, indoctrinated Christians also give God credit for that!

I'm thinking this guy is missing the boat. He takes his theory to the brink of a big sea of truth and knowledge, takes a look at the abyss, and turns tail and runs!

Here's a metaphor for you: There was another headline recently about a bullfighter in Mexico City. He describes the moment when he saw the bull charge: "I felt a deep fear, and I decided no, no, and no." He turned and ran, dropping his cape on the way and jumping over the ring's wall. "I decided that was it. Let somebody else who has the ability and the courage take the opportunity."

8/7/10

DIGITAL BILLBOARDS

I'm on my soapbox today. Sorry, guys. My family owns a sign shop. We sell signs, and Barry Saunders (a News & Observer columnist) wrote about my favorite topic - signs. It seems the Durham City Council has once again unanimously voted down digital billboards. This is not good. We sign guys have seen too many businesses lose money because of city ordinances. I guess none of the city leaders uses signs.

God bless Barry Saunders for covering what he calls a "civil-despite-lasting-more-than-four-hours debate." (And he doesn't even own a sign shop!)  One city employee apparently reasoned, "The current ordinance has stood the test of time." Gee. I've never heard "Get lost. We've always done it this way," stated so eloquently.

I admit that digital signs do distract motorists. But doesn't that mean they work? And doesn’t that means they sell products? So let's find good ways to use them - not outlaw them completely!


8/6/10

TOOL BOX


We have a work van. A Dodge Ram. We removed the seats, so it's just a shell, albeit a very big shell. We haven't customized the interior yet (hey, we've only had it six years) so our tools are stored in boxes and satchels - or just loose - on the floor of the van.

A friend saw this, took pity on us, and gave us an old beat up metal tool chest. Our workers were very happy to have it and were planning to bolt it to the floor of the van. But they left it on the back porch of the shop overnight and it got stolen.

There's an internet joke that says, "You know you're stressed if you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand." I decided not to comment when they told me about the tool box.

8/4/10

MO AND THE BIG EXIT

Yesterday in Sunday School I turned off the "Mo and the Big Exit" Veggie Tales DVD before it was over. There was a little break in the plot, and I just turned it off. Eleven kids looked at me.

I told them I would tell them the rest of the story myself. Truthfully, my idea didn't go over and the final result wasn't too memorable. But this is what I did anyway. I let them stand up and move around after 1/2 hour of watching TV. (I'm not completely stupid.) Then I told the story of how Moses ("Mo" in the movie) and the Israelites fled from Egypt and crossed the Red Sea, and God made the sea open up for them. (This was the "Big Exit" from Egypt, which the movie represented as some place in the Wild West where the Israelite slaves had been digging the Grand Canyon.) The point I was trying to make was that it wouldn't have happened if it had been left up to Moses, and that it was a God-sized miracle.

They didn't get it. One little girl kept asking, "When are we going to watch the rest of 'Mo and the Big Exit'?" This was the point at which I decided to stick with leading adult Bible studies from now on.

Maybe the end result wasn't quite the lesson I wanted to teach, but I sure as heck wasn't about to let them leave that class thinking the Veggies crossed Death Valley on a magical bridge of snow! Good grief!

8/3/10

UNCLE TOM'S PIPE

One of my father-in-law's stories.

Every now and then Tom Jones (I called him Uncle Tom) would have somebody drive us to Bookie Poole's Service Station for Ruppert beer. We'd be sitting in the back of the truck, the wind blowing, and he'd be striking matches, trying to light his pipe. Had nickel boxes of matches then. Old country matches. I'd tell him, "Uncle Tom, you need some tobacco in your pipe."

He'd say, "Well, son, fix my pipe for me then."

I'd take that pipe and dump it out. Then I'd take a Golden Grain sack of tobacco out, and I'd go to putting it in that pipe. I'd pack it just like it was a hay bailer. Man, I'd pack it in there tight!

Then I'd say, "All right, here you go, Uncle Tom. Hold your mouth here." And I'd deliberately put it everywhere except in his mouth. He'd have his lips poked out, just a poking his mouth everywhere, looking for that pipe! I was playing with him. He wouldn't ever get mad.

Finally, I'd let him get it in his mouth. Then I'd strike a match and hover it over the top of it. But he couldn't get any air through it. "God!" he'd say. He was a sucking. His lips just a whistling around the stem of the pipe. And I'd just get so tickled I thought I was going to fall of the back of that truck. I'd tell him, "Uncle Tom, you've got to suck now if you're gonna get this pipe lit. Suck hard!"

And he'd just go at it. He'd finally catch on to the game, or was going along with it, I don't know which. He'd tell me, "Son, you packed that thing too tight! I can't get no air through it! You've got to do something."

Then I'd say, "Well, let me see," and I'd stir down there a little bit with one of those country matches and put the excess back in his bag of Golden Grain. Then I'd say, "Try that, Uncle Tom," and I'd go through that same thing again trying to get it in his mouth. I'd worry with him like that until we'd get home. That poor soul never got a good drag off his pipe the whole damn way!

8/2/10

GOING TO PRESS

These memories hopefully give a snapshot (kid's eye view) of what a small town county newspaper office was like in the 50s - The Duplin Times.

We had a large flatbed press, and under the press was a pit similar to the pits in some car service stations. The pressmen went down there to ink the press, and you didn’t go near there if you didn’t want to get printer’s ink on you from the large barrels of ink. That ink smelled good. They say you get printer’s ink in your blood when you work on a newspaper. I don’t know about that, but I had black smudges on my feet a lot. If I had on sandals, I took them off and it still looked like sandals were on my feet!

The Duplin Times had two pressmen – Amos Quinn and Mose Cooper. When it was time to “go to press,” Mose climbed up onto the printing press and stacked the huge pages of newsprint onto a platform that was near the ceiling. These sheets of newsprint were large enough to hold four pages of a newspaper, called a “four-page spread.” Mose stood up there inserting one page at a time into the jaws of the press. Static electricity built up, and sometimes Mose would lift a page so that it got sucked up to the ceiling. What a sight!

The flatbed press had a huge roller that rolled forward, pressing newsprint down on an inked bed of type. Then it rolled back and did it again. One page at a time, the newspaper got printed. After all the pages were printed on one side, Amos and Mose flipped them, changed the type in the press bed, and began printing the back side of the pages. This created eight pages, so if the newspaper was bigger that week, another batch had to be printed.

My sister Beck recalls the day it “pied.” (This is pronounced like Pie.  It's printers’ slang for a mass of type jumbled together.) Mose and Amos forgot to tighten the bed of type. This type was made of about a million thin bars of metal strips about 1.5” tall, as I remember, and just the width of a printed letter and the length of the line of type in the column. There were a lot of them. They were laid out in a frame, line after line, column after column. Then – barring any lapse of sanity – the frame was tightened to hold up against the weight of the huge metal roller. On this particular day, it didn’t go as planned. Mose and Amos rolled the press. The roller moved about half way across the bed of type, pushing all of the type forward. About half of it hit the floor before they realized what was happening. They quickly shut down the press, saving what was left of the type pretty much intact and still in the frame. It was at that moment that our dad walked in. Beck says, “They were all scared to death! All Daddy said was, ‘Put it back together.’” This self-control is what impressed my sister. I don’t think our dad was typically that calm!

After printing the newsprint sheets, Amos stacked them on the folding machine. He inserted them one at a time, and the machine’s wheels and belts pulled the page through intricate turns, cutting the four-page sheet into two two-page sheets, then folding them and trimming off the edges. The strips of newsprint fell to the floor in a pile, and the piles were moved and piled on top of piles until there was a great mountain of them to play in.

It all sounded like an orchestra. A LOUD orchestra! The roller on the press rolled forward and backward, the gears turned, large metal rollers rolled smoothly then clanked and rolled again. The folding machine’s multitude of belts and tiny rollers created their own rhythm as they moved the newspapers through the machine. One machine clanking and the other clicking, and I think there must have been some compressed air somewhere because I remember some swooshing sounds, too. It was a concert that played way into the night. I played in the paper strips until I could play no more. Then I would try to sleep in them, but I’d sink to the bottom, like my dad said he did in a feather bed, and end up on the cold concrete floor. So I moved over to the mailbags with their odor of newspaper and canvas. Delicious when you can’t keep your eyes open! A cord ran through grommets to seal the bags at the top and was secured by a clamp – which made for some interesting lumps in a pile of bags. But other than that, those canvas bags felt as soft as a mattress to my tired body. Pretty soon, someone would need the bags and I’d have to find a new place to sleep.

I suppose you're sleepy too, by now. I'll wait until another time to tell you about the race to get the newspapers on the bus and the night rides through the county.

7/31/10

SHOTS

I read that Penicillin was invented during my lifetime. Must've been real early, because I remember those penicillin shots! The doctor came to our house (yes, I guess that was a long time ago), and if I needed a shot, he and my parents had to hold me down - all 40 pounds of me. He had big old hands with lots of black hair on them. I hated those hands!


Maybe it was then, or maybe it was at the health department, that I learned not to look at the needle. I hated the health department, too. Back then (yes, I guess I am old) I only had one smallpox shot and three polio shots. (The sugar ones came along the year after I finished my series.) But those yearly typhoid booster shots went on, and on, and on. People reminded me how lucky I was to have those wonderful vaccinations.

I was paranoid. Right after I got a typhoid shot, I started dreading the next one and built up a year's worth of fear. My cousin loved to pick on me. He was studying to be a doctor and should have been more humane, but he pulled out a needle one time and chased me into a corner of the house and laughed at me as I went ballistic.

I got brave enough to look at the needle when I was a high school graduate and had to have a blood test. I fainted.

But I conquered the fear (with a lot of divine help) and can watch the nurse draw blood without even flinching. After all these years, I still feel proud as a pumpkin, too!

7/29/10

NORTH AND SOUTH

There are accurate answers and there are right answers. When our daughter was about three or four, we were on an airplane. She was sitting in her dad's lap and he was entertaining her. Pretty soon I saw him point out the window on the left saying, "That's west," then the right window saying, "That's east."

They played for a while, and I heard words like "north" and "southwest." Pretty soon he decided to quiz her, knowing she had caught on. He asked her, "Now which way are we going?" Without a blink she pointed to the front of the plane and said, "That way!"

She was right!

7/27/10

LIMERICK

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     Legs like a battering ram,
                            
     A lunge and a quick body slam,

                       Eyes wild with a demon,

                       Blood curdling screaming --

          

         For eardrops, cats don't give a damn!


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