SMART PHONE - DUMB OWNER

I got a brand new "smart phone" and it's complicated! Smarter than me. Got it free with a two-year contract and was so excited. But I plugged it up to charge it, and it was dead as a doornail. So I called Verizon, and they said it might be a "DOA" and to take it to the nearest Verizon store and get it checked out, because if I returned it and they replaced it and it turned out to be a good phone, I'd have to pay for the new one. I definitely took it to the Verizon store to find out what was wrong. Guess what! I hadn't put the battery in it!

Census Takers

This morning we got to the soup kitchen at 8:00 to count the homeless people for the census. Our leader told us the people weren't supposed to start arriving until 9:15 but her boss had said to get there at 8:00 (go figure!). The church volunteers had prepared food for about 400 people and were supposed to serve at 11:00. By 10:30, NO ONE had showed up. There were about 30 census counters waiting with our bags and clipboards, and we must have scared the homeless people away!

Our group made up about one third of the census takers, and we left at 10:30. I hope that, as the census crowd thinned down, the hungry people got up enough courage to get in line and get some food, in spite of us!

The government only counts people every 10 years. I guess that means they have to figure out how to do it from scratch every time!

Have you ever heard speakers spit, sizzle and sputter because of a loose wire? This week, I was under a desk on my hands and knees angrily trying to plug a printer cord into the back of a computer when I bumped the computer, and before I could swear at it, I heard that spitting, sputtering electrical sound. I didn’t know it was the speakers. I thought the computer was exploding into an electrical disaster, and there I was trapped under the desk with it. I started pulling plugs out of the surge protector. The noise wouldn’t stop. I kept trying, figuring I’d get the right cord eventually. Somewhere beyond the desk I could hear my son the salesman telling someone on the phone to wait, and I heard an alarmed voice, “Mom! Are you OK?” He was at my heels in an instant. About that time, I realized I could switch the surge protector off, which I did, and the sizzling noise stopped.

Backing out of the cobwebs, I looked around and said, “What’s wrong?”
He told me something I didn’t know. With the right voltage, a person being electrocuted cannot speak or holler for help. Oops. Didn’t mean to give you a heart attack! I should have cursed and yelled and said all the things to that computer that came to mind!

I learned two things that day. First, when a computer sounds like it’s frying, just turn off the surge protector. And second, yelling at machinery is OK sometimes!

The Caterpillar

I love to see toddlers come into our shop. Their eyes are wide with wonder. In our lobby we have a toy musical caterpillar for them to play with. It’s fun to hear the sounds of the alphabet and the little child-like tunes it plays.

The other day, I became overwhelmed with paperwork and bookkeeping and the ringing of the phone. I left my desk in a daze and staggered to the front counter just to stand and stare out the windows. I listened to the busy hum of the shop behind me. Then I pulled out the caterpillar and proceeded to play a tune of letters and phrases. I thought it was funny – and a great stress reliever. I got some crazy looks, some giggles, then everyone went back to work, no doubt wondering if I was on the way to the loony bin.

Sometimes everyone needs a musical caterpillar.

IMPATIENT OPTIMIST - or - When can I change my number?

My dear daughter must have been out to lunch when God passed out the patience genes.

For example, once we were casually discussing buying a condo, and she had it completely furnished before the conversation was over.

So when we decided many weeks ago to change our sales approach at our business and asked her if she would like to work in Wilmington, she had a new apartment rented at Carolina Beach before the week was out.

Five or six weeks ago, she picked a weekend to move her furniture and reserved a U-Haul. Two weeks later she learned that the two able bodies who said they'd help her move couldn't do it that weekend.

We moved a lot when she was growing up. Each time, she picked out the house before we did. When we finally moved (to the one we picked out), she had her boxes unpacked and her bedroom in order within about two hours after touching down. Should've timed that. It might have made the Guinness Book of World Records.

She can wrap and pack a 32-piece place setting of china before you can bat an eye. And then she can lift the box! All 110 pounds of her! Furthermore, if her helpers don't show up when she wants them to, she can move all of her furniture alone.

Now we are ready to change our phone carrier and our system for answering calls at work. This includes a new cell number for Susan. As we began comparing prices and the pros and cons of using various carriers, she was already asking, "Can I change my number now?" We picked the carrier and before we had even cancelled the old one, I heard, "When can I change my number?"

And yes, she counts lots of chickens before they hatch. But then, it's good to have an optimist around! An impatient optimist.

THREE DOZEN OYSTERS

I didn't want to go out to eat. I had about ten reasons. Usually, if I don't want to do something, I'll go along anyway and enjoy it. But I really, really didn't want to go out to eat that night! But we did.

As we drove to the restaurant, I said, "It's boring sitting there watching you eat oysters long after I'm through with my shrimp!"

He ate a dozen. Raw! The waitress told him he was brave. He grinned and kept slurping them out of the shell. Poor little live animals! I hoped they didn't have lead poisoning or something. I ate four shrimp.

He ordered the second dozen. I began to eat my fifth shrimp. Finished the slaw. Ate a couple more shrimp as slowly as I could manage. What would there be to do afterward? Nothing!

He tried to order the third dozen. No waitress in sight. We waited. And waited. I ate a couple more shrimp. Then he called down the bar to a busy oyster shucker, who found the waitress. He ordered. Shouldn't he be getting full now?

I started watching a man across the bar ordering and talking to the waitress. Didn't mean to eavesdrop. Just killing time. He saw me watching, said hello, and we started talking. He was very interesting to talk to. George was busy, although he did interject a comment or two between oysters.

He finished the oysters! We talked a while longer, then paid the tab and left. I had enjoyed the conversation very much. I started thanking God for the man and the interesting conversation. Then I thanked him for a wonderful and interesting man for a husband.

Now I re-read my journal often where it says, "Let him eat oysters the rest of his life!" And I smile.

Messy Lobby

A lobby is like a garage. No matter how many times you clean it out, it just morphs into a mess again. Maybe “obstacle course” is more like it.

When we moved into our fresh new retail spot, we created an appealing lobby. We had a couple of free-standing displays, chairs, interesting samples on the walls, and even a beautiful plant named Amelio. For the first few months we watered Amelio, but the chairs migrated to our office cubicles. Within a year, we had added more great samples to the walls. After two years, some of our displays were obsolete – but we didn’t much care. Amelio was a little sickly, too. The third year we set aside a weekend to plan how to renovate our lobby. The fourth year we removed some of the obsolete displays from year two and said we'd renovate soon.

This begins the fifth year. We have a dream. Maybe we’ll get started on it next week.

A Three Scoop Day

My mamma never said there’d be days like this! I was ready for a mini-nervous breakdown.

First we learned that an employee had ordered a very large, very expensive sign without checking the measurements. Very unhappy customer! Did I say former employee?

Then there was the box truck we covered with vinyl. Who was it that measured that truck? Re-print and re-install.

Then our sign assembly person went berserk about something and stormed out, apparently never to be seen again.

We ran over a nail - after putting new tires on the car the week before.

Our newest (and very promising) salesperson announced that she was moving to California.

We had trouble collecting payment from a preacher, of all people!

And we completed a large and expensive job just as the customer (and the check) dropped off the face of the earth.

It wasn’t a good week. I needed someone’s shoulder to cry on. I went for a walk Saturday with my sister and brother-in-law and their dog. The dog did what dogs do, and my sister scooped poop. On this particular day, the dog had a stomach problem, and, after a couple more stops, my brother-in-law said this was a “three-scoop day.” I laughed until I cried. That put the whole week in perspective!

At our business we use some pretty high-tech equipment - digital printers, plotters, servers, the "monster” computer, phone systems, time clocks, fire alarms - not to mention some "high-class" software (this adjective is from a person who was not born into the digital age).

But I had to laugh when I walked into the back room the other day and found our installer vacuuming the vacuum cleaner with the shop vac!. The filter was clogged with dirt, and the machine had dumped a bunch of crud on the lobby carpet. Now there's some ingenuity!

You never know what to expect next in a small business!

VACATIONS

If you own a business, you have probably heard of the word “vacation” only in the context of despairing over what days your employees are planning theirs. But yours? Is that a joke?

When I take a vacation, it’s usually a Saturday stolen from a weekend. The yard needs work, the house needs cleaning, and the food needs buying. Somewhere in there I need to catch up on my bookkeeping. Know the feeling?

But there are some people whom I admire who have been in business for a long time and who have learned how to really take a vacation! It is best expressed in the following email from our friend and sign installer:

Subject: vacation time
Just want to give advance notice that I will be on vacation from August 3rd through August 10th. I will be at the beach ...in a chaise lounge ... probably with an umbrella protecting my delicate skin ... a book (and probably a beer) in hand ... reflective sunglasses on (so nobody knows what I'm actually looking at) ... and not a care in the world. Unless a job comes along that I can retire on, don't call ... don't write ... don't send a carrier pigeon ... don't send a message in a bottle (unless it comes in a beer bottle and the message is asking if I'd like another one). I think that about covers it.
Cheers!

HEADLINES

The headline read, "Experts: Fewer Blows To Head Would Reduce Brain Damage." Well who'd a thunk it?

Headline says, "Alcohol May Help Women Stay Trim." Yesss!!!!

Reader asks, "When do kids stop trying to control other people's behavior?" Advice columnist answers, "When did you stop trying to control other people?"

Do we really need someone to reiterate the obvious?

PANTS ON THE GROUND

Years ago, male basketball players wore shorts. You could see their legs - which wasn't all bad. Now the uniforms look like skirts!

Years ago (again), guys wore tight jeans. Nice. Now their pants hang off their butts. Who wants to see decorative underwear where once you saw tight fitting jeans?

What's going on? It would be OK if guys had never looked like guys. If you never know it, you don't miss it, right? Where did these weird pants come from?

Crabbing

I took my kids crabbing when we went to the beach. I chose a fish market on the sound where shrimpboats unloaded their catch, and where crabs congregated. I showed them how to tie chicken necks to a line and coax the crabs into our nets. It's all a lot of fun - until you have to cook the crabs. You boil them alive! They scream. I like to think it might just be air escaping instead of screams.

When we finished crabbing and headed for the car, I saw a man who worked at the fish market and figured he'd know a lot about cooking seafood. So I asked him, "Is there a faster, more humane way to kill a crab than boiling him alive?" He said, "Sure," and he took a crab from our bucket and pulled the back off of him. Just opened him up like a makeup compact.

After I recovered, we took those babies home and boiled them!

INTERRUPTIONS

Interruptions can bring work to a standstill. Not the short, one-time-and-it's-over type, like deliveries or customer calls. It's the ones that go on and on.

Interruptions never stop. Someone asks if anyone knows where a pencil is. Does anyone want anything from McDonalds? Or what time's that delivery coming? Or was it even ordered? Or someone screams at a computer. Temper tantrums. (Oh yes. We are a family business!)

I admit that I'm as guilty as anyone. When I interrupt Fred's work to tell him about something, in about two minutes I'll think of something to add to it. Another couple of minutes and I'll ask something else about it, or ask if I indeed told him about it or if I just thought I did. It's "chatter," and it will drive a person crazy. I can't stop doing it. Susan's even worse than I am. (Come to think of it, she's why I know it will drive a person crazy!)

Now we have spread out. Susan and I moved our offices to our homes and Fred works at the shop. We email each other, and we email again if we forgot something. A person can read them all at once, cutting chatter time to zero. Our phone calls to each other are not too often, and they're brief. And when we hang up, it's over. We are all loving it!

Throwing Gravy

I talked to someone having relationship problems this afternoon. I remember the difficulties as my own marriage progressed. I eventually learned to share and communicate. It was hard.

I found out early on that my husband didn’t prioritize the same way I did. I told him one morning that I was going to cook him a great meal that night. Which I did. Then I waited. The meal got cold. I called him, and he had forgotten about it! Forgotten! Problems at work were more important to him than my fried chicken.

I threw the gravy on the pot of rice and stormed out of the house. He didn't love me! I drove to a friend's house and cried on her shoulder. I wondered if he got home and saw the chicken and felt bad because he had hurt my feelings. I called home - just to see if he was there. He answered. I slammed the phone down again.

After a few minutes, I called again planning to slam the phone down in his face. I did it, but it didn't feel any better. I finally drove home. I'm sure I must have sulked for a few days.

We've been married 39 years. I know lots of stuff now that I didn't know then - the concept that he's human, for example.

He loves me. He wants to make me happy. But it's impossible to fill every void in my life and snap your fingers and make insecurities go away. What do I know now? That he would if he could.

HENRIETTA TRIMS HUGH'S TOENAILS

Is it already time to cut toenails again? Good grief! Look at those claws! Somebody go find the buzz saw!

Why, oh why would you let your toenails get that long? Don't they hurt pushing on the inside of your shoe? They do? So you'd rather hurt than cut?

I watched my husband teeter on one foot and thought to myself, "He's going to break his neck if somebody doesn't intervene." I told him to sit on the floor and put a hand towel under his foot to catch the toenails that were going to hit the carpet.

When I came back, he was sitting on the hand towel. Not sure how this happened. I visualized him inch-worming around the carpet chasing his toes.

A wave of pity consumed me. I sat on the floor and carefully placed the towel under his feet. I filed away at the big toe nail with an emery board. "Ouch!" he said. "Look," I said, "I'm filing the top of the nail where it's jagged. I'm not touching any skin." I tried the large nail clippers, but the nail was thicker than they were. "Wait a minute," he said, and he fetched some monster jaws of steel I had forgotten about. Very sharp. Very large. Very effective!

First clip - a nail shard flew across the room. I could forget about the hand towel. Get out the vacuum cleaner! Half an hour later, all ten nails were a tad shorter than before, he had promised to get a pedicure, and the rug was clean. I hope I haven't started something I can't stop!

March 5, 2010

Hi! I'm Hugh Mouse. Well, actually I'm Maggie Clark, so I'm sort of a Henrietta Mouse. Alter ego or something, I guess. I was a newspaper columnist in Green Lake, Wisconsin, many years ago, and I drew my little mouse with each story. Tonight, I am blogging for the first time, and I'm not even prepared! No mouse picture! But here's MoJo the cat, who is looking for Hugh Mouse. He'll find him tomorrow!

For now, signing off - G'night Hugh Mouse. G'night Henrietta Mouse!